Censorship

If I were to write a blog post in real time, including all the details of our current lives, it would read like a classified pentagon document, with long sections blacked out. There's nothing horrible happening, just life, and yet our lives are intersecting with so many people that I'm unable to write a single thing without providing details for which I have not been given permission to share. On the one hand, who wants to hear the dailies of our life. On the other hand, the daily moments rule our life, so what can I blog about?

I can tell you that negotiating with a three year old is like negotiating with a terrorist.

I can tell you that being pretty is the single most important aspect of Julia's life at the moment.

I can tell you that for homework Grace wrote a poem about our family that included the word "farting".

I can tell you that Grace found her poem hilarious and so did her teacher.

I can tell you that my old cat, Zuzu, is not long for this world.

I can tell you that thinking about Zuzu's death overwhelms Grace with emotion, and I feel humbled to hold her hand and talk with her as she processes this experience.

I can tell you that when I see coffee, smell coffee, watch a commercial about coffee I feel a deep sensation of happiness and longing. I'm sure my brain lights up like an addict.

I can tell you that Craig and I are going to a concert in Atlanta on Thursday and that I haven't been to a concert since before we were married.

I can tell you that it really bums me out that people guess my correct age.

Hopefully this net in which we find ourselves entwined will release a little, and I'll go back to writing more. Until then, I can tell you that we're good, and really, there's nothing more important than that.

Saturday equals

1. Mercer Graduation for Craig
2. Picking strawberries with the girls
3. Orange and black cupcakes from a graduation reception
4. Frosting everywhere (inside ears?)
5. Kiddie pool in the backyard
6. Hydrangeas in bloom

rattle, rattle, creak

That's my brain. I'm in need of mental lubrication in the form of caffeine. Lots going on. Lots to think about and not think about. Here's a snapshot:

1. Day five without diapers. One accident today and the belated discovery of the reason our living room smells like poo.

2. Do I still have a job or not? On Wednesday it was yes! On Thursday it was no or maybe not. On Friday it was I don't know. Today it is yes, but. I'm moving forward on the assumption that the "but" part won't mean a pay cut.

3. My parents have returned to Michigan. I've been moping since they left. I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness when I think about them returning to a place they no longer wish to be. Being the middle child (and responsible for the happiness of THE ENTIRE WORLD), their situation pains me. Of course add to that a major malfunction in my middle-child-spidey-sense-for-the-sensitivities-of-others, and I made my mom cry before she left. I continue to feel like a heel about that particular fail in my otherwise spectacular middle child super hero capabilities.

4. Someone dumped a house in my neighborhood. You laugh. You think I'm joking. After all, how does one dump a house? With a rig I suppose, but dump one they did. Don't worry, pictures to come. This take littering to a whole new level.

5. Last Thursday Grace got to read the morning announcements to the entire school over closed circuit TV. I got to be in the sound booth with her. Cue my tears.

6. Drumroll....Craig and I are going on a date tonight. Six months ago we promised each other one date per month. This is date number two. You do the math.

I don't know how to write a blog post because...

1. I got a job, and it's all I can think about at the moment.

and

2. I got a job, can you believe it? And they're going to pay me real money, not play money, real money, and I don't know what to do with real money.

and

3. When they told me the salary I gasped and said, "that's too much." So now you know exactly how much of an idiot I can be.

and

4. Julia will start going to school five days a week, and I don't feel guilty about it, but I hope that she likes it.

and

5. I've never done what they want me to do for this job, and I'm really, really nervous.

and

6. I'm easily embarrassed. When I asked why they might want me for the position, they paid me HUGE compliments, like I'm some sort of competent person. I'm so glad I didn't turn red and pass out in the office.

and

7. I start tomorrow, but first I have to go shopping because "job" equals interacting with other adults, and I can't do that in sweats and a stained t-shirt.

A lot about nothing

1. We're leaving in two days to attend a wedding in New Hampshire. I just checked the weather report for the wedding location, and I realized that I'm going to freeze my heiny off. You laugh. You think that woman was raised in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, she must be joking. But I'm not. Our thermostat is set at 80 (because I hate paying 400 per month for electricity), and I'm quite comfortable at that temperature. I hope I don't turn blue on the mountain top and ruin the ceremony.
Totally invalid now. In the morning the forecast was for high 50's, now it's 75. Go figure.

2. How is it that my cat can dump pawfuls of litter on the kitchen floor (which is quite a distance from the litter box)? He doesn't have thumbs. I don't get it.

3. Craig and I desperately need a night out. Without our kids. True, we aren't taking our kids to the wedding, but a wedding doesn't qualify as a date in my book.

4. Kindergarten is finally, after nearly 7 weeks, getting better.

5. I've decided to grow my hair out. I could do short hair ten years ago. I was much cuter then. Now I have so much gray that my hair is overly frizzy, and I'm never going to be patient enough to flat iron it ever day. With length I can always put it up.

6. Having movie channels mysteriously show up on our cable is not good for me. I watched three movies with Christian Bale yesterday. Oh dear. Dammit.

7. In case you haven't been watching the weather in Macon, we have been saturated with rain. I'm talking 20 inches in some areas, all within a span of a week. One of the few redeeming qualities about our location is the continuous sunshine. No sun makes me cranky. I could never live in the Pacific Nothwest--that is unless a vampire were to seduce me.

8. Tacos de carne asada taste good--especially when my husband makes them and cleans up afterwards.

9. I have three zits. Why do I still break out? I can't even blame pms.

10. I won't post again until we're home. I'll try to remember to take my camera--that way you'll have proof of me freezing my heiny off.

THE GRAND MIDWEST TOUR!

I'm sitting on the couch, still in my pajamas, still feeling a bit under the weather, wondering when are we going to plan THE GRAND MIDWEST TOUR! For months we've known we would go to Indiana and Michigan in July, but despite this understanding we have yet to actually pin down our dates (and it's July 2 already). Craig and I give different answers to the same question: when are you leaving? For me, we depart July 6; for Craig, it's July 9.

I've been apathetic about planning, which always makes me wonder if I have some other issues at play. So in no particular order, here they are:

1) I have a TERRIBLE haircut, and I don't want to be seen by anyone! Seriously, you would think I would learn that wearing short hair in the south is HAIR DEATH! Women just don't do it. The woman who cut my hair kept pausing to say "Are you sure about this?", which I should have taken as a sign that my hair would be TERRIBLE! Wearing short hair in the South also creates confusion; how can I have short hair and yet I'm not a lesbian. The worst day for my hair was last Sunday when my elderly african american neighbor told me, "Your hair looks bad, I don't like it. Did the woman who cuts Craig's hair cut yours?"

Sigh.

2) Grace starts Kindergarten on August 6, and I'm freaked. I've worked myself into such a frenzy over it that I've actually considered homeschooling (egads!). When my best friend was here last weekend, she hit the nail on the head:

Me: This is going to be such a big change for Grace, and I'm really nervous for her.

Q: That's true, but this is also going to be an ENORMOUS change for you.

Cue the tears. I've been giving myself pep talks (she's going to love it; she's ready; just because she'll be around kids who are older and exposed to more mature subjects, I'm not feeding her to the wolves; and finally BE CONFIDENT IN YOUR PARENTING, it doesn't end with Kindergarten).

She's going. I'm not homeschooling, but I will cry a lot (in private, so I don't freak her out).

3) Craig just finished his summer teaching (for which I should be thrilled), but I haven't transitioned out of my spouse is working insane hours and I feel like a single parent mode. I keep waiting for him to announce that he has to work. I don't know how to keep a schedule when he's home. It throws everything off. I know, I'm such a whiner!

4) My high school reunion is at the end of the month, and we can't decide whether or not we will stay long enough to attend (see number 2). My mom wondered if I might be anxious about attending the reunion, and with the exception of number 1, I'm not anxious in the least. I have a good life (even if I complain about number 3). However, my indecision about the reunion makes determining a departure date that much more difficult. We don't want to be gone for too long, and yet we want to see a lot of people.

Sigh again.

Regardless of these issues we will be heading north shortly. Perhaps instead of THE GRAND MIDWEST TOUR! I should refer to our trip as INDECISION SUMMER 09!

300 /10

Read enough blogs and you'll notice a thing or two. One, bloggers like to write lists. This is the cheap post, written on the fly, with a little or a whole lot of thought. Two, bloggers are obsessed with numbers: how many people visit their blog, how many pageloads per day, or how many posts per week, month or life of the blog.

I like a good list. It is my cheap post. And I like numbers, probably a little too much. I can obsess about pageloads and visitors (an unhealthy preoccupation that I could write about at length). And I track the number of posts that I write each month. Still, I was amazed today when I opened Blogger Dashboard to find that I had published 300 posts.

Are you kidding me? 300 posts. That's a lot of time that I probably could have spent in a more productive fashion. Oh well. That time's spent.

So back to my point, bloggers often use lists to mark blog milestones (e.g. a list of 100 things for the 100th post). DON'T WORRY. I'm not going to bore you with 300 little known facts about me. For one, my mother would gag. She already thinks I'm a bit too public in this space. Two, I don't have the patience to write a list that long. Remember, the point of the list post is brevity.

My solution is to give you a list of thirty things, just ten percent of the possible options. This should give my mom a fit. Here goes.

1. I don't shave my legs in the winter. I'm lazy and cold.
2. I shop at Goodwill, and I feel guilty about it, as if my relative good fortune means I shouldn't shop there.
3. My laundry basket, filled with clean folded clothes, is sitting on my dresser. It's been there for a week.
4. I finally signed the contract for my freelance gig, and my first thought was, "crap, now I actually have to work."
5. When Grace is sick she is an AWFUL little human, and though I know I should be understanding, I can't stand her at those times.
6. I'm obsessed with Weeds and Dexter, and I don't even have Showtime.
7. I feel like an utter failure as a parent at least once a day.
8. I'm really, really in love with Craig. I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out, and it never has.
9. I talk to at least one homeless or near homeless person a day.
10. I have a crush on the UPS guy. He always knocks because he knows the doorbell might wake Julia at naptime.
11. I'm no longer a member of a church. I left last month.
12. I may go to the church down the street. This scares me.
13. I'm going away from Julia for the first time next month. This scares me too.
14. I really, really need to get away. I will be a better parent and partner for it.
15. I hate Macon. A lot sometimes.
16. I love my house. A lot most times.
17. I can't commit to working out.
18. I don't like my body from the bottom of my ribs to the tops of my knees.
19. I'm insecure about my bust size,
20. I love my hands and feet. They are my best features.
21. I think I should stop blogging. It's unhealthy to be preoccupied with posting my dirty laundry on the internet.
22. I don't want to stop blogging because through this medium I have connected with new and old friends.
23. I never correct the cashier when she rings up green cabbage for napa.
24. I'm a mostly recovered liar.
25. I have rosacea, so my skin is often red and irritated. I found that Triplepaste works well to relieve the redness. It's a diaper ointment.
26. I don't remember the last book I read, and I finished it just a month ago.
27. I don't want to have any more kids but admitting to that makes me sad. This confuses me.
28. Service people and Jehovah's Witnesses catch me in my pajamas a lot. The same Witness caught me twice, three months apart. Sadly, I'm not embarrassed by this.
29. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
30. I'm happy more often than not. This is a great surprise to me, someone who has battled depression since high school. Thirty-five ain't all that bad.

Day 14: Theft or Flattery

There's this blog I love. No, not mine, but this one. I love it because it’s written by a Dad Gone Mad. He’s funny, erudite, and inspired, need I say more. A few days ago, this post appeared in my Reader, and I’ve gone back to it at least a dozen times. Read it. You smiled, didn’t you?

I've been thinking about my list since I first read his. What's your list? I'll give you mine.

Things I'll Never Be Able To Do Again

1. Worry about getting my period for the first time.

2. Climb out on the roof of my parents house with my brother, Paul, and watch the northern lights dance across the sky.

3. Get caught drinking beer underage.

4. Pet Bootsy.

5. Wear a two-piece swimming suit.

6. Watch Craig pull into the parking lot, jump out of his truck, and wonder "Who's that guy?"

7. Take Intro to Geology.

8. Collect whale fossils.

9. Claim I will never drive a minivan.

10. Experience the first night home from the hospital with my first child.

11. Hear my grandfather call me "Sugar".

12. Judge my parent's parenting.

13. Breastfeed Julia before she goes to bed.

14. Stay out all night.

15. After one month together, hear Craig say "I think I'm falling in love with you."


So that's my list, at least for this moment in time. It took me thirty minutes to put this one together. With another thirty, it might be entirely changed. A list like this could have hundreds of entries. I want to read your lists. If you write one, let me know, and I'll link to it.

Day 2: Daylight Savings Time

1. Sucks.
2. Was invented to drive parents crazy.
3. Doesn't make me feel like I got an extra hour to sleep.
4. Meant I was awake at 5:30 am as opposed to 6:30 this morning.

Did I mention it sucks?

The Dad

My man about the house and yard deserves much more than he ever receives. He always seems to be last on the list for new stuff. He never complains though, and I truly doubt that he minds. With Father's Day approaching, I have been wracking my brain for ideas (that fit my budget). If money weren't a limiting factor, his list could/would/should be long:

Father's Day Ideas
1. iPod
2. Zipline
3. Compost Barrel
4. Pick Mattock
5. Battery Free Radio and Flashlight
6. Decent Sunglasses
7. Outdoor fire pit
8. A Tent which sleeps the family
9. A weekend without these two.
10. A trip to any one of these places

Four and five are easily within reach, but I know that the best, most well received, gift would be nine. A weekend without our darling daughters is indeed priceless.

Choose your title

1. What a girl wants
2. This blog is all about me, me, me, me, me
3. I can't believe she just said that
4. Summer vacation is not a vacation

Three days into summer vacation here. Craig is teaching summer school, and Grace is done with preschool. We're having loads of fun. Not really.

Yesterday morning Grace told me that my legs were fat. I was in no mood to be evaluated by a three year old at seven in the morning, so I told her to go downstairs and see her dad. Minutes later she tromped back up the stairs to say, "Dad told me to come up and tell you I'm sorry for saying your legs are fat." To which I replied, "thanks for your apology, but I'm still not ready to talk to you. Go back downstairs."

Um, excuse me, but what the hell? Where did she get that my legs are fat? Clearly they are not toned, and yes, they are not immune to cellulite, but fat? What does a three year old know about fat. Ackk. Summer vacation. I need another vacation. Alone. With a gin and tonic. And a book. And a computer.

Moving on.

To buoy myself I decided to put together a list of my wants. I would deliver this to Craig, but after I outed him for listening to Delilah he's in no mood. Here goes:

What a girl wants
1. Doodle Tag or this
2. Canon Powershot S5
3. New Outdoor Lights
4. New kitchen and bathroom floors
5. Outdoor stone patio
6. Outdoor patio furniture
6. New summer sandals (too many choices, so little money)
7. Shirts that do not make me look pregnant

I suppose that I could also title this post: Ellen, you selfish whining gnat

What happens when I'm:

1. Obnoxiously proud of my daughter's artistic endeavors.
2. Busy blogging doing laundry.
3. Stupid enough to give my three year old a pen to write a letter to Grandma.

You know, it's really great that Grace knows how to write my name. It's a thrill. It makes me so proud. I just wish she didn't use the dining room wall as a writing surface.

Yesterday's lessons

1. I can go without using most of my appliances EXCEPT the coffeemaker.
2. I'm pretty certain that I'm cheating on my husband WITH the computer.
3. I'm probably a better parent without TV and the internet (ouch).
4. It's good to be conscious about how I spend my time.

All in all I highly recommend taking a day off from technology and electricity. Though the day would have been far easier had I used the following:


I must have walked into the office fifteen times to stare longingly at the computer. I have to admit that I'm an addict. I can't say that I will change my internet ways, but I'm going to make an effort to unplug once in awhile (next date: April 22, 2009).

I was, however, highly rewarded for my abstinence. When I opened my email this morning, I found out that Sarah and Murdoch are coming to Macon.


I get to meet this handsome little devil in person, and spend some time with his fabulous mama. I am one happy woman.

According to Grace

What she likes about her dad:

1. He makes me breakfast every day.
2. He writes letters with me.
3. He plays animals and candyland with me.
4. He has cold ears, and I like to hold them.
5. I like to give him kisses.
6. I ride my tricycle with him. I want to get a bicycle.
7. I like to drink hot cocoa with him.
8. He tells me stories.
9. He takes me camping.
10. I like him always and I love him always and he is my best friend and my sugar-booger.

I love you, daddy. (Grace typed that).

It's 11:34 pm

Do you know where your post is?


Can you believe it? Just two more days and I almost forgot to write a post. I had a good excuse (or rather I should say excuses). Here they are in list format:

1. We have company.
2. Grace, Julia and cousin Anne are having so much fun that their parents are exhausted.
3. We went to the Cherry Blossom Festival this afternoon, and we're happy to report that Mike and Laura loved the lawnmower grand prix. They will be moving here next month.
4. (saving the best for last) It's Craig's birthday. Happy Birthday, love of my life, sorry for the late post. I will profess my love for you at length tomorrow. Or at least I might write a list of all the ways in which I think you're really neato.

Found in the morning paper

Hearts desire at age eleven

1. To be kissed by a boy, preferably Bobby Lanane.
This wish came true. Now twenty some years later, I can't even remember if that's the boy's name or not.

2. To be Peter Jennings when I grow up.
Seriously, that was my aspiration of celebrity. At least today's eleven year old girls have a female nightly news anchor to emulate.

3. To get my period first.
Oh, the competition of pre-teen girls. I doubt this one has changed one bit.

4. To sing and dance like Madonna.
I don't think my little eleven year old self could fathom that Madonna would still be dancing and singing twenty years later.

I also had the general desire to be cool and popular. I imagined that I would grow up to be a hip twenty-something (because I could not envision life after 25), totally independent, childless and with no need for a man. Boy, did I get that one wrong.

Things I don't want to hear come out of my kids' mouth.

Greetings blog readers. It's Dad here again for my second contribution to Ellen's NaBloPoMo effort. I want to pick up where Ellen left off a few days ago with southernisms she does not want to hear our kids adopt. Since she won't write the list, I will. These are in no particular order. Each of them get under my skin in an equally annoying way.

Haint: Ghost

Buggy: Shopping cart

Might-Could: Might be able to

Mash: Push on (as in to "mash" a lever, etc...)

Fixin': Getting ready to

Cut on/off: Turning on or off a power source, switch, light, etc...

Kin to: Related to

Where the list stands

1. Things I took for granted before I had kids
2. Character Flaws
3. Hearts desire at age eleven
4. Best Things about Staying at Home
5. Worst Things about Staying at Home
6. Classic Grace phrases
7. Regrets
8. Goals
9. What I want to learn
10. Grace’s favorite books
11. Favorite Toys
12. Things I like about Macon
13. Things I don’t like about Macon
14. Why having children is completely irrational
15. Nicknames
16. Reasons why college students need a spanking
17. Curious things about Macon
18. If I had a million dollars
19. What to do with the stimulus check
20. Names for our mouse
21. Who are the people in my neighborhood
22. Words I hope will never enter Grace and Julia’s vocabulary
23. Insecurities
24. Blogs I visit
25. Signs that you need a romance makeover

You would think that this list would provide enough inspiration to write some decent posts. It doesn't. Or maybe the problem is that posting about "why having kids is completely irrational" doesn't strike me as funny. It's all too real.

Inspiration, people, I need it.

Eight Seven signs that you need a romance makeover

Forgive me, dear husband, but I wrote this post out a few weeks ago and then hesitated. Now I'm running late, and this material is ready and available.

1. You haven’t been to the movies in two years.
2. Your last real date was a trip to Barnes and Noble where you drank decaf coffee and perused books in separate sections.
3. You wear wool socks to bed.
4. You earnestly believe that sleep really is better.
5. Your underwear looks like your mothers (purchased in a four pack).
6. You talk about your children’s potty habits over dinner.
7. You discuss your relationship with your spouse while one of you is in the bathroom.
8. [removed after review from the editorial staff]