February in Georgia is like June in the Midwest

Grammy and Poppy arrived to unseasonably warm temperatures in Georgia. On Sunday the mercury crept above 80 degrees. They didn't complain (though Craig and I have wondered, nervously, what 80 in February means for June, July and August). With sunny blue skies, we spent a lot of time outside, on the swings:




And beside the fire pit, where we roasted marshmallows and stargazed.



The girls, with help from Poppy and Dad, also planted a tree Grace received for Arbor Day.




We ate well, talked a lot, and relaxed, which is exactly the kind of visit we love to have. Thanks to Grammy and Poppy for a wonderful time (and for making MBC very, very happy with his fire pit). Hopefully the next time we travel north, Indiana will supply equally good weather. We know the company will be great.

Oh, and here's the rest of the pictures:

coming soon

A proper update with pictures of our visit with Grammy-Bonnie and Poppy. We had a great time. More later.

I like the age I am

I like the age I am
It's a wonderful life no matter when
So if I'm a hundred or if I am ten
I like the age I am
~Carol Johnson

We traveled to Florida over the weekend to help my dad celebrate his 75th birthday. Yes, seventy-five. For as hard as it may be for me to believe that my dad's 75, it's probably just as difficult for him to accept that I'm 37 (and that his baby, my sister, is 30). The weekend was such a treat. The last time we saw my parents they were both suffering from acute bronchitis. We had limped our way through Christmas, and at the time I could hardly imagine they would recover so well. The weekend was filled with laughter (so much so that I nearly choked more than once) and we repaired our Christmas woes.

Grace and Julia started my dad's day on the right note, serenading him with the song lyrics written above. That's the same song I sang to my grandpa (with the help of my sister and cousins) when he turned 70. Dad was tickled. That night we took the whole family and some surprise guests (thanks, Pete & Leslie) out for dinner. There were a few wistful moments as we missed my brothers and sister-in-law, but Grace and Julia, as usual, kept us all entertained.



On Sunday we enjoyed some of that beautiful Florida sunshine. The girl's cruised the development on their kickboards, and we all enjoyed watching the wildlife, including a gator and egret:




And as the sun descended I caught the sky's reflection in the canal outside my parent's rental:




The weekend was just about perfect. I'm thrilled that we were able to be together for my dad's birthday and that my parents are on the mend. I could get all mushy here about my dad, but my keyboard isn't waterproof. He's a great, great man. He's taught me much and loved me even more. Thanks, Dad, for everything. Happy Birthday.

Here's the link to all the other photos from our weekend.

And We're Off

We should be here:



Boarding a flight to see Grammie-Bonnie & Poppie and Mike, Laura, Anne & Whitney.

But Delta changed our plans because of this:



And all I can say is that I better see some of this:



Or I'm going to do this:

rattle, rattle, creak

That's my brain. I'm in need of mental lubrication in the form of caffeine. Lots going on. Lots to think about and not think about. Here's a snapshot:

1. Day five without diapers. One accident today and the belated discovery of the reason our living room smells like poo.

2. Do I still have a job or not? On Wednesday it was yes! On Thursday it was no or maybe not. On Friday it was I don't know. Today it is yes, but. I'm moving forward on the assumption that the "but" part won't mean a pay cut.

3. My parents have returned to Michigan. I've been moping since they left. I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness when I think about them returning to a place they no longer wish to be. Being the middle child (and responsible for the happiness of THE ENTIRE WORLD), their situation pains me. Of course add to that a major malfunction in my middle-child-spidey-sense-for-the-sensitivities-of-others, and I made my mom cry before she left. I continue to feel like a heel about that particular fail in my otherwise spectacular middle child super hero capabilities.

4. Someone dumped a house in my neighborhood. You laugh. You think I'm joking. After all, how does one dump a house? With a rig I suppose, but dump one they did. Don't worry, pictures to come. This take littering to a whole new level.

5. Last Thursday Grace got to read the morning announcements to the entire school over closed circuit TV. I got to be in the sound booth with her. Cue my tears.

6. Drumroll....Craig and I are going on a date tonight. Six months ago we promised each other one date per month. This is date number two. You do the math.

follow up

Does it seem odd that the first post I managed to publish after my grandma's death was a news clip from CNN? On reflection, it seems a bit strange to me. For a few days after her death, I thought about posting a eulogy of sorts but that seemed a tad creepy. My grandma was definitely not of the digital age, and remembering her here doesn't fit.

And then there's the fact that I'll never be able to distill my relationship with her into a few paragraphs. I had exceptional grandparents with whom I had very close relationships. Each of them, my grandmother and my grandfather, is so intricately woven into my history, my stories of self, that I can't see them with a shred of objectivity. Craig always says that he's never known someone who loved her grandparents as much as I did. His observation speaks more than I can. I loved her truly, deeply, and I feel so fortunate, down to my core, that I had her for 36 years.

I'm not sad for losing her now. She was more than ready to go and had been for quite awhile. I do miss her physical being however. Just as I felt the absence of my grandfather's arm around my shoulder, I will miss the way she kissed me good night, even as an adult. My grief is tempered by my belief in biology. I need not look to the heavens to feel a connection with her. I see her whenever I look into Grace's chocolate brown eyes.

Let's whine. Part II

1. We've moved on from a cold to an ear infection (thanks everyone for clarifying the differences between a cold and flu).

1. Grace came down with Julia's cold on Saturday. She's now moved on from a cold to an ear infection in both ears. And a raging fever. And body aches "ALL OVER, MOMMY."

2. Two weeks ago I paid to have Julia go to school for an extra three days a week, which, at this point, means I've paid some crazy amount for the TWO extra days that she actually made it to school.

2. Two and half weeks ago I started a new job. Since starting that job both of my kids have been sick. Both of my kids have been absent from school. I do not have childcare outside of my spouse. You figure it out.

3. I have PMS, and I don't need to explain why that's a whine.

3. I'm having my period. Need I say more.

4. After yesterday's work meeting, I have A LOT of stuff to do. And this is a whine because of Number 1.

4. I have meetings every day this week. This would be complicated with well kids. This is a disaster with sick kids. The only thing keeping me afloat is Craig, and the only way he's doing it is by canceling office hours and ditching his job. This is not a long term solution. I have yet to find a babysitter who will care for sick kids. Do they exist?

5. Grace's Kindergarten teacher sent a note home saying Grace needs to do a better job coloring in the lines. Is she serious? It took a lot of restraint to not write back, "this is effing riciculous". Yes, that's PMS talking. I wish I could show Mrs. S the hundreds of coloring pages we have laying around the house where the detail in Grace's coloring blows my mind. Grace doesn't color in the lines on her work sheets because it's boring. When she's bored she rushes through things. How do I know this? She's EXACTLY like her dad. He does the same thing.

5. I'm coming down with their cold. I need my mom.

.......
7:46pm

And my grandma is dying, so you really don't need to read all of the bs I listed above. I can't quite come up with words for this now, which is okay because my limited vocabulary won't allow me to adequately describe this essential woman. A woman for whom I owe a great debt of love and gratitude.

This is a test.

A test to see how quickly I can write a post. Can I write it before our internet connection goes down? Probably not, since I seem to lose the connection every two minutes or so. I’m on the verge of using a lot of profanity, but my relatives read here—I must practice restraint.

Anyway. I have two weeks of stuff to report. I wrote nothing about Grace’s fabulous fifth birthday on August 7, a day when her Grammie-Bonnie came all the way from Indianapolis to see her. A day when we went out for Pizza at her dad’s least favorite place in the world—lucky him, he was in San Francisco. It was her second day of Kindergarten, and she was understandably tired. We still managed to have a great time. She received more presents than I can remember (and we didn’t even have a party for her). The best part of that day was watching her dance down the driveway towards school that morning. She waved her arms in the air and sang, “I’m five, I’m five, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Grammie-Bonnie spent the entire birthday weekend with us, and she was a tremendous help. We did a little shopping. We watched movies. We played, and we ate. It was my kind of good time. I did take a few pictures from the visit, and I’d love to post them. Not so easy with the incredibly crappy internet connection however. They will come soon, I hope.

Moving on. Next up came my mom’s surgery, which I’ve already written about. She continues to do well but is very bruised and swollen. Her voice sounds much improved since last weekend. I don’t know when her radiation treatment will begin, but I’m guessing early September.

Which bring us up to last weekend. On Sunday, I boarded a plane for Boston. All By Myself. No kids. No husband. Can you feel how much I’m smiling when I write those words? I went to see my friend Sarah (and her husband, Andy, Craig’s cousin) and to meet their new baby girl, Thayer. As a bonus I got to hang out with Thayer’s big brother, Murdoch, and see his grandparents, Bob & Talli, his Uncle Hugh, and cousin, Liam. Yep, vacation for me is seeing other people’s children. It’s true. I love the babies, especially when I can leave them behind. I can hold them and hug them and love them and even change diapers. But I don’t have to discipline them or worry for their future. It’s seriously awesome. Add to that Thayer and Murdoch’s mommy, Sarah, who in the last few years has become my confidante, and you know I had a really great time.

The other good thing about the visit: not once did my ovaries send messages to my brain like “don’t you want another one?” or “don’t you miss this?” Nope. I don’t. I have two children of my own, and though they are growing—no longer babies—I don’t need to travel that road again.

And now for today. This morning Julia went to school for the first time. We were prepared for tears. We expected them. And just to prove how unexpected parenting can be, Julia, my shy little person, said goodbye without a worry. Three hours later, when I returned to pick her up, she didn’t come running. She was engrossed in the classroom. When she finally came to the door (after being called four times by the teacher and me) she was happy to see me, but not overjoyed. She had a good time, she said. She wants to go again.

I have pictures of Julia’s first day too, but those will have to wait (damn internet connection).

Memories best forgotten

Sometime around seven years ago—I don’t remember the date—my mom was hospitalized in the ICU with some illness. I don’t recall the diagnosis. I do remember the physician in charge of her case however. He had a bedside manner akin to Bobby Knight in a losing basketball game. If I could forget him, I would, but words he said have stayed with me all these years:

“She’ll never be able to have surgery. She can’t go under anesthesia.”

With those words echoing in my brain, you can imagine my fright when I learned of my mom’s diagnosis and the words that followed: lumpectomy, mastectomy, surgery.

“She can’t go under anesthesia,” my sister whimpered to me on the phone.

“I don’t think we have much of a choice, “ I replied.

Understanding my fears, Craig called one of his oldest friends, an anesthesiologist himself. He answered all of the questions I posed to Craig. Individuals with COPD can undergo surgery. Anesthesiologists are trained to handle patients like my mom.

My whole body exhaled when Craig recounted his conversation. I shared the information with my sister, and we relaxed for a few days. Then, in a dream, the words came back: “She’ll never be able to have surgery. She can’t go under anesthesia.” My anxiety returned.

In the weeks since we’ve left Michigan my mom has seen a pulmonologist and an anesthesiologist. They both approve of her surgery, and this morning, sometime after 11 am, that surgery will commence. I’m working to mask the memory from seven years ago and rely on the rational side of my brain, the part that likes evidence. Three physicians and my mom’s surgeon are comfortable with her treatment plan. Those opinions mean something. I know there are no absolutes in life. I know that doctors are fallible, but I have to bank on the positive.

It’s going to be a long day.

goodbyes

Grammy and Poppy came into town last Thursday to help celebrate Julia's birthday. Knowing that Julia is an exceptionally shy child, Lynne held little hope that her two year old granddaughter would warm quickly, if at all, during her stay. Well times have changed. Julia has grown, and she turned on her charm, normally reserved for mama and dada, to win Grammy and Poppy's hearts. She chatted them up, and when their attentions were diverted, she danced circles around them. She hugged, and she kissed and told them, "I lub you."

One of the many wonders of parenting is watching your child bask in the love of a grandparent. No one told me how special it would feel to watch my parents or Craig's parents love my children. Grace and Julia don't understand what a gift this is--to have adoring grandparents. They know only the tactile sense of being loved, of being enveloped in an embrace, of having every little part of their being cherished. Not all children are so lucky.

In a testament to Julia's newfound appreciation for her grandparents, she screamed so loud when I dropped Dan and Lynne at the Groome Station this morning that I had to park the van, get the girls out, and stand in the sun waving at the shuttle until it departed. As I walked back to our van, Julia nuzzled her head into my shoulder and said, "I sad."

Thanks Grammy and Poppy for making the trip South and for loving the girls, as Grace would say, too much.

Aww, come on, you don’t have to pay for this rollercoaster ride.

Sunday School
Little girls sit in a circle talking about favorite colors and foods and their latest boo-boos. Grace enthusiastically participates: “I love purple and pink! I love oatmeal!” An older girl, a four year old, rolls her eyes at Grace’s animated responses. “We have a girl named Grace at my school, but she’s different.” When Grace says oatmeal like ewtmeal, the four year old giggles dismissively. I pause to gauge Grace’s response, and when there isn’t one, I continue with the lesson. When class is over, I rush Grace out and take her home; I want to protect her even though she has no sense of the girl’s cruelty.

A walk though the park
We hold hands and talk in quiet voices. I tell Grace how much I love her. I explain that sometimes people are mean, sometimes they hurt our feelings, but that I, her mommy, will always be there for her, will always love her. We walk further, and I hum “You are my sunshine”, her favorite song. I hear her sniffling. She’s crying.

“What’s wrong, my sweet? Why are you crying?”

“I’m crying because you don’t like me?”

“Honey, that’s not true, I love you. Sometimes I don’t like the things you do or the way you act, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like you. I always like you. I always love you.”

“That’s not what you said.”

My mind spins. She remembers that. Oh, god, why does she remember me saying that.

“Is there something I can say or something we can do that will make you feel better?”

“I don’t like you either, mommy. I want to go be with Grandma and Grandpa. They like me.”

“Grace, sweetie, there’s a big difference between not liking the way someone acts and not liking the person, do you understand?”

“I know. I just want to be with Grandma and Grandpa. I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

We walk on in silence. We’re still holding hands. I don’t know what to say. We walk for two blocks without words.

“Mommy, sometimes I want to be with Grandma, and sometimes I want to be with you. It changes.”

“I understand that. You don’t have to like me, but I want you to know that I will always love you. I would miss you if you left to go be with Grandma and Grandpa.”

“Mommy, you have Julia, you wouldn’t miss me.”

“Grace, I only have one you, and I only have one Julia. I need both of my girls in my life.”

“Can we call Grandma when we get home?”

“Yes, of course we can.”

When we got home, I dialed my mom’s number. Grace talked to her Grandma for ten minutes. She told my mom that she wanted to come and stay in Michigan because her mom is mean. Thankfully, Grandma steered the conversation onto other topics, and by the end Grace agreed to come to Michigan in August for her birthday.

The afternoon dissolved into early evening. Craig came home, and I related the day’s events. Afterwards I sat down at the computer alone, and I cried a little. Even though I want her to be able to express any emotion, I don’t want her to have the feelings she expressed today. Two weeks ago in a fit of exhaustion and anger I told her I didn’t like her at that moment. I quickly followed that comment with “I’m sorry, Grace. I don’t like your behavior, but I still love you.” Apparently the first statement stayed with her.

This morning I wanted to protect her from another girl’s remarks. This afternoon it was clear that perhaps I should protect her from me.

Happy Birthday, Dad

Dear Dad,

Happy birthday! Here is a video of your two granddaughters wishing you a happy birthday. I'm sure you had a big cake at work and lots of attention lavished upon you. If you were here, the party would only continue except that the attention would be so great that you would be expected to respond to every command.

Enjoy your special day.

Lots of love, Craig and Ellen


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my little bags are packed

My parents departed this morning to return to Michigan. When my dad had finished packing the van he remarked to Grace that there was enough room to fit her in, should she want to make the trip. Moments later Grace disappeared up the stairs. She came down with a basket filled with clothes and announced "I'm ready to go." My poor father. He had to backtrack quickly: "Oh, Grace, honey, I'm so sorry. You don't really want to go to Michigan now, it's cold and snowy." My mom chimed in with "I know your daddy and mommy would miss you soooo much." Grace's response was to crawl under the dining room chair and cry. She was so upset that she wouldn't kiss them goodbye.

Those are the moments when I love her so much I want to cry.

in the land of the living

I'm back, so to speak. Last week is really a blur. In the eight years Craig and I have been together, he has never seen me so sick. I think my stress over Grace's trip to the ER primed me for getting a kicking flu bug. Though I am mostly back up to speed, I still wind easily and am pretty darn tired. Note to self: next year get a flu shot!

Lynne's visit was vital to our recovery as a family. She cleaned our house, cooked our meals, and generally lifted our spirits. I know she was wiped out by the time she returned to Indy yesterday, but we are most, most grateful that she came to our aid. We will be eating leftovers from her fabulous meals for the rest of the week. Thank you, thank you, Grammy.

I will try to get back to the blog sometime soon (and hopefully my post will not include a single note about sickness and/or health). Thanks again for all the long distance support we received.

E

Grammy's visit

Lynne departed this morning after a wonderful visit. I can't say that we did much except play with the girls, but that's just what we all needed. I have uploaded all of the pictures from her visit. Grace already misses her Gram and fussed for Craig on the ride home from school. We will see her soon when we travel to Indy for the holidays.

Making Cookies

Grammy is here, and she and Grace are having a terrific time together. When I put Grace to bed the night that Lynne arrived, Grace instructed me that I was to go downstairs and "hug grammy, love her, and kiss her." She thinks her gram is pretty special, and grammy thinks the world of Grace too! This afternoon three Byron generations made cookies, with Grace and Grammy wearing their matching I love NY shirts and Daddy managing the oven. There are more images of them here.

We've been able to talk to Poppie twice since his arrival in Ghana (it costs him a whopping 2 cents per minute to call). He has moved into his apartment and is already hard at work. It's amazing to be so connected to someone halfway around the world.

Expect more pictures of Grammy's visit soon. E

Three for one

Numero Uno



This video speaks for itself.
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Numero Dos

Recent emails in response to my entry about postpartum depression made me think that it might be a good idea to post something about the resources I utilized to prepare for Julia's birth. Just like parenting, one size does NOT fit all. This is the internet after all, you have to pick and choose what advice speaks to you. In any case, the following sites hold information that I found helpful:

For making a gameplan to avoid PPD, Moxie is the best: Moxie's Guide to Preventing PPD

Because Breastfeeding problems figured largely in my depression with Grace: Kellymom's Breastfeeding and PPD

And for any number of mom's blogging out there about PPD and/or other resources: Postpartum Progress Links Page

There are a number of women who blog exclusively about their depression. For me that's like pulling teeth. It's just makes me feel blue, in the same way that listening to Barber's Adagio for Strings makes me weepy. In many ways, the best therapy for me is to concentrate on goodness in life (though that's not really possible when one is actually in the throes of PPD).
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Numero Tres

It's my birthday today, and I want to take this opportunity to recognize the people who really deserve the party: my parents. My friend Ani told me that she always calls her mom on her birthday to say "thank you for giving birth to me and loving me at my worst"! I thank my parents for loving me while I was a teenager (yikes, was I a pain is the ass) and for all the rest, you know, the calls, the support, the love they show to my children, and to my husband. For better or for worse we are family!

My mom and dad are in the process of moving back to Michigan to help care for my aging grandparents. This is a difficult move for them but one that I support. I have to say it's hard though. I have loved having them so close, and in my perfect world they would buy the house down the street, and whenever Grace was feeling cheeky, I would send her to them! Love you, Mom and Dad. You rock.

Godspeed, Poppy

If I sound a little cranky in the clip it's because this was our third attempt to make a goodbye video, and Grace had just told me that she didn't like me and wanted Daddy there. The sentiment behind the video remains true however. We all hope that Dad has a productive and safe trip to Ghana. We look forward to reading his updates and anticipate a wonderful reunion with him and Mom over Christmas.

As for Grace, she'll like me better tomorrow. Or she won't. I'm not holding my breath.

Housekeeping

Since blogging remains one of my only creative outlets, I thought it might be a good idea to tidy up my creative space. I've eliminated the navbar; it's a nuisance really. If you click the next blog button in the bar, it's possible that you'll end up at a blogsite advertising oriental massage (or something else in that vein).

I've also added a number of links. In Family and Friends you can find links to my father-in-law's blog about his upcoming adventure in Ghana as well as ASSP Updates, the blog of new parents Andy and Sarah. In References I've added Mercer's Weather station (so you know exactly what it feels like outside my house) and a link to a Camera with a view of Lake Michigan in Grand Haven (my parent's new homebase).

Tomorrow is Julia's fourth month-day, so there will be a new video added to the site as well. It's hard to know whether people (mostly my family) like reading what's here or not, so feel free to send comments my way. I may also be able to convince Craig to post a little more often too.

She shoots, she scores

To finish off her birthday Grandpa took Grace on a shopping trip and they returned home with a basketball goal. Below is a video of her trying it out.


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My parents left on Thursday (after postponing their departure so we could get our van serviced), and Grace was sad to see them leave. They are on their way up to Bloomington, IN to visit old friends, Jack and Carol, and then they will move onto Grand Haven. Once in Grand Haven my Dad will start weekly trips to Flint to help my Aunt care for my ailing Grandfather. In addition to those family duties, they will also be looking for a new home. It's hard to believe that my parents will be moving North again, especially when so many in their cohort start moving South in retirement. My parents have many reasons for the move, and I hope that it goes smoothly.