Grace in small things: 16 of 356

1. "My daddy is my beautiful best friend"
So says Julia. She also says that he is her best girl too.

2. Being color blind.
Grace still regularly identifies people by the color of their shirt rather than the color of their skin.

3. Handmade Halloween costumes.
In process right now. Thank goodness the requests were relatively simple this year: Little Red Riding Hood for Grace and a Ghost for Julia.

4. Boundaries.
I have to wake Julia from her nap each day to walk over and retrieve Grace from school. While the girls are thrilled to see each other, they instinctively know that they need separate space once we get home. Grace sits at the kitchen island to do her homework, and Julia plays by herself in the living room. On days they don't self impose these boundaries, there's always a lot of fighting.

5. Apple Pie.
A fall staple for me. Apples from Michigan recently arrived in our grocery store, and pie is on the menu this weekend.

Grace in small things: 15 of 356

1. Fevers broken

2. A full night's sleep

3. A lethargic toddler turned chatty

4. Free movies on cable

5. Unpacking china (after three years in this house)

Grace in small things: 14 of 356

1. Goldfish crackers.

2. Having lunch with Grace at her school. Kindergarteners are strange people.

3. Our new wine rack from IKEA.

4. The six dollar Malbec from Trader Joe's.

5. Grace's old preschool teacher, Marnie. She happily agreed to be Grace's special person for school today, and according to Craig, Grace's face almost broke from smiling as she took Ms. F to her class.

Grace in small things: 13 of 356

1. According to Grace, if I were an animal, I would be a polar bear.

2. If Craig were an animal, he would be a white lab mouse.

3. A clean vehicle, because ours was starting to grow things.

4. The knowledge that I'll never stop learning how to be Grace and Julia's mom.

5. Feeling fall in the wind.

Grace in small things: 12 of 356

This is a hard one because the Grace in Small Things I wrote last week doesn't hold true anymore. It did for that day, for more than a few days actually. It was true for a couple months, though we only knew about it for a few short weeks. All the hopes and dreams we hold every day can change, suddenly or slowly. We are left with unsure feet and broken hearts, but we get back up, broken and wounded and never the same.

And yet grace still exists in small things:

1. Fresh cut flowers delivered with care to a friend of my heart

2. Kind words from someone I don't even know

3. All day showers which refresh the dogwoods in our side yard

4. Small fingers that twirl the hair at the nape of my neck

5. Reading The Secret Garden again, but not alone

Grace in small things: 11 of 356

1. Glue Sticks
Grace already has homework, and not surprisingly it involves glue. I hate sticky messes on the table, and the glue stick minimizes such accidents.

2. Earlier sunsets
Equals earlier bedtimes, which we need around here. Grace goes to school at 8:30am, and we pick her up around 3:20pm. She's exhausted. It's a REALLY long day for her. And a really long afternoon-early evening for us.

3. An organized junk drawer
Who doesn't love an organized junk drawer?

4. Clean dishes
and the husband who cleans them EVERY NIGHT after dinner.

5. "There are lots of childrens."
Julia's description of her class.

Grace in small things: 10 of 356

1. Sitting in Grace's small chair during my first PTA meeting.
I still can't believe I have a kid in elementary school.

2. Walking to Francar's for dinner.

3. Cicadas so loud I have to raise my voice.

4. Candles in the shape of birds.

5. A lamp returned to it's original state.
Thanks to my partner for understanding my heartbreak. Craig searched out an artist who could repair my lamp (a gift from my grandmother, broken by my children). He made all of the arrangements without my knowledge, and it arrived safely and in perfect shape on Friday. I love you, babe.

Grace in small things: 9 of 356

1. The best news from my best friend.

2. Leftovers for lunch.

3. Dexter.

4. Dr. Bronner's Lavender Soap.

5. Extra hugs from my girls on a day when I feel under the weather.

Grace in Small Things: 8 of 356

1. Wireless that works.

2. A husband who picks up his child after school and takes her to work with him.

3. Reading a book recommended by a friend. You know who you are, and you know what book I'm talking about.

4. Cooler temperatures (high of 91 only).

5. A toddler who wants to cuddle while grocery shopping.

Grace in Small Things: 7 of 356

1. Weekends
Can I say how happy I am it's Friday?

2. Netflix
Season Four of Weeds watched in a matter of days

3. Chocolate Milk
Always my guilty pleasure

4. Friends down the block
With whom you have the kind of relationship where you don't have to call first, you just stop by

5. " I love Grace Margaret Byron so much"
Julia's words last night before bed

Grace in Small Things: 6 of 356

1. A consistent internet connection.
Before Craig left for SF, we hooked up new Air Ports for our macs. Who knows what's been going wrong, but I can only maintain a wireless connection for a few minutes at a time. Craig, my computer savvy partner, arrives home tonight, and I HOPE that we get our connectivity restored.

2. Calm conversation.
No surprise here, but I've been stressed about Grace's transition to Kindergarten. I've hung on her every word, every expression, to discern her state of mind. Combine that with my worry about my mom's surgery, and I've fairly worked myself into hysteria. After some calm conversation with my friend Nina, whom among other things is an Early Education Specialist, I have returned to planet earth. My plucky, self-assured five year old is just fine. The transition isn't supposed to be seamless; it's just as important for Grace to learn from difficulty (perhaps more important).

3. "I don't know. I have to think about it."
This is Julia's latest response to many questions. I don't know why, but those words and the way she cocks her head when she says them really makes me smile.

4. Macaroni and Cheese
My friend Sarah introduced me to Cover and Bake, an incredible cookbook of casseroles and other classic home meals. Their macaroni and cheese is fantastic and a staple in our lives.

5. The Groome Shuttle
After arriving in Atlanta Craig will catch the Groome shuttle to Macon. He will be dropped off at Mercer's student center (which is only four blocks from our house), so I won't have to wake the kids at midnight and pick him up.

Grace in Small Things: 5 of 356

1. Free Swim at the Piedmont Park Aquatic Center in Atlanta
2. A mango margarita at lunch
3. Comfortable silence between best friends
4. No traffic stops at rush hour
5. Bedtime kisses from two little girls

Grace in Small Things: 4 of 356

1. Skype
2. Bees in the garden
3. New shoes on small feet
4. Anticipation of a special visitor (Grace's pre-K teacher is coming to dinner)
5. A long nap (for Julia)

Grace in Small Things: 3 of 356

1. Amusement park rides for two year olds
2. Raising your arms to feel the thrill of the ride
3. Sunscreen
4. Cotton Candy
5. Not caring what you look like in your swimming suit

Grace in Small Things: 2 of 356

1. Sweet Orange Aura Cacia Body Cream on my feet
2. Email from a friend in Minnesota
3. Muscle fatigue after working out
4. The smell of new school clothes
5. Printing tickets for Wild Adventures (Happy Birthday to Grace)

In Small Things

For a variety of reasons, some obvious and others not, I haven't been the happiest person on the block lately. My state of mind has been readily apparent to those closest to me, but for the rest, I've been working like hell to put on a happy face. I answer the question "How are you doing?" with "good!" or at a minimum "fine" when really, truthfully, the reply should be "okay" or "not great".

I struggle with happiness under the best of circumstances, and this, for me, is not the best of circumstances. It's in my nature to pay enormous attention to anything negative or difficult. My mind constructs lists of all the bad, so I can start each day off on the wrong foot, like:

1. My mom has breast cancer
2. A homeless squatter took up residence two houses down
3. Grace's new teacher isn't the one we wanted
4. There's a guy who pees on our car when it's parked in front of our house
5. I'm never going to be in shape

Why do I do this? The answer to that question is uncomfortable at best. When I step back, I can see that I get something out of being negative. I'm comfortable being a martyr. I know how to do unhappiness--I've made it my life work.

And that, my friends, is not a great way to be. I don't want to live my life under a shadow. I don't want to find comfort in pessimism. Though unhappiness is a familiar state for me, I can do better. Years ago, when I saw my first therapist, she encouraged me not to seek happiness, but to strive for contentment. Ten years later, this is still good advice--advice I need to follow.

The internet is a strange and scary place, but there are also bright spots. A few months ago, I read about about a project called Grace in Small Things or, for short, GIST. GIST is a call for bloggers (and non-bloggers too) to integrate a practice of gratitude into their lives. We can do this by noting the small graces which occur each and every day. There's a social network to support Grace in Small Things, and though I haven't joined the network, I'm going to accept the challenge. If I can make a list of negatives each day, I'm also capable of doing the opposite.

So with gratitude, here's my first list (of 365):

1. Fresh coffee in the morning
2. Julia's curls
3. Cherry tomatoes from the garden that burst in my mouth
4. A morning of rain
5. Pictures of my grandmother when she was a baby