step into the stream

Put your boots on. The water looks deep and murky. I hope we can make it to the other side.

Ughhh...another sunny day...the kind of day that I would sit outside on the porch, Bootsy would pound up the stairs and lay under my legs...he would play with a leaf, rub his head against my leg...I would ruffle the fur around his ears and listen to him purr...Damn this neighborhood where they poison animals...Damn me for not realizing how sick he was...I know there was nothing we could do...Why did he have to die...I wasn't there to comfort him...I know he was an outdoor cat, but I was his protector...I always brought him in during a storm, when it was cold, when he was lonely...from the moment he ran up to me over a year ago, he was my little buddy...such a good little guy...Why did he have to die...Why do I feel so low...Is it because of him...Is it because I'm trying to wean myself off Zoloft...They say SSRI's really don't work anyway...placebo effect...Is it because I see my parents and they are unhappy...I know I can't control anyone else's happiness...not even my own...I think I need to make some changes....I think I need to get out of the blogosphere for awhile...make connections with live people...why do I blog anyway...to write...because writing more makes me write better....because I find community....but is it real...I don't really know...the only thing I know for certain is that I feel a tremendous amount of loneliness and it's bearing down on me....and this just isn't making a difference anymore...I'll let C take over for awhile...keep the grandparents updated...tell his own funny stories....maybe with time I will find a little more humor in life....maybe the loneliness will abate...I miss my little guy...such a good little cat...Why did he have to die....

Whew, that was rough. Let's go find another stream of consciousness: one with some flowers growing by the edge, one that doesn't require waders, one that doesn't suck the life right out of you.