I'm leaving in a few days, going away from my kids all by myself. I've never been away from Julia, not once, and it's been a couple of years since I've left Grace for a solo trip. I'm traveling to Boston to meet up with two friends. It's a trip that I've wanted to make for over a year, and it would be an understatement to say that I need a little R & R. It seems that every fight Craig and I have can be traced back to my desire for some alone time, some kid-less time. And yet, I'm having difficulty with the idea of being alone and away.
For the last week I've wracked my brain trying to get a handle on my unease. Why do I feel this way? Could it be the irrational thought that my plane will crash, that I will somehow be permanently separated from my loved ones? Or is it the thought that the girls won't miss me? Or is it that I feel guilty for taking the time away, for harnessing Craig with the yoke of full-time parenting.
Truth? I think it's mostly the last one. I feel guilty for leaving Craig with the girls alone. This guilt remains even with the knowledge that he has taken a number of trips away. On the face of it, I see how much I deserve the break, how much I need it, and how I will be a better parent and partner for getting away. Yet, I keep berating myself, and this is unnerving.
Yesterday, in the shower, the answer came to me. I'm not proud, but here it is: I don't value my work. Don't get me wrong. I talk a good game about the importance of staying home with my kids, but deep down I think being a mom is less important than Craig's work. Therefore the idea of taking a vacation from "my job" feels incredibly selfish, even unwarranted.
I'm a real jerk to myself sometimes.
Regardless I'm still getting on the plane. I'm still going away. And I think despite myself, I will probably have a really great time, jerk or not.
......
postscript: If you took this post for the absolute truth (as my sister did, much to her horror, for number 1), re-read it with the knowledge that I'm poking fun at myself. My tagline should read exaggerated for comedic effect.
2 comments:
We can't wait to see you! We are all over the flu finally so we should have lots of energy for your visit! You deserve the break!
S
Do not feel guilty for taking time for yourself! Twice this past year I was able to go away without my boys, and it was cleansing!
I felt a small amount of guilt, but in the end, I knew having those trips and that time away made me a better mom.
I hope you are able to enjoy your trip. I LOVE Boston!
Happy New Year!
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