I hate working.
I'm having a really hard time working on the freelance job I landed months ago. The final product isn't due until July, but I haven't put more than 15 hours into it thus far. I can't get myself to work on it. Truth is that I don't really like writing grants, at least not biomedical grants.
I got into grant writing after we moved from Ohio. I had limited grants experience, yet somehow I convinced an employer to take a chance. I didn't love that job, but the pay was reasonable. For the most part I edited NIH proposals, but I also wrote a few grants myself from scratch. They were funded. My employer was happy. I got a raise. Then I got pregnant. And then I stopped working.
My former employer was generous and understanding and continued to send me grants to edit. This money funded vacations and sometimes groceries--Craig was still in grad school when Grace was born. Those opportunities began to dry up when we moved to Macon, but I didn't much care. I had another child, and my life seemed pretty full. Of course, a contented state always leaves me feeling I need more. Opportunity knocked, and another grant, my current job, landed in my lap.
I should be happy for the work. Writing grants takes me as far away from mommyland as I can ever get. This alone should provide ample motivation, and yet here I am blogging instead of working. What's wrong with me? Well, for one, this grant is a whole lot more involved than I bargained. At the initial meeting the principal investigator told me there was a wealth of material (including previously unfunded grant applications) that I could pull text from. Turns out those old grants have absolutely NOTHING to do with the current application and are completely outdated. Ughhh. Old grants out, I turn to the available literature on this particular subject, and (double ughhh) I could read until my eyes bleed and not have a realistic clue about what I should write.
In a nutshell, I'm screwed, and so I procrastinate. Ever so slowly, however, I'm coming to a realization: I have to contact the lead investigator and explain my dilemma. Craig, forever my champion, is incredulous that I'm even attempting to write this grant. His words were along the lines of, "It's crazy to think that you (a geologist by training) should write the research and design portion of an NIH grant. You're not an MD!" Like that's a news flash. He's right of course. I'm just kicking myself for not realizing earlier that
7 comments:
I have had the EXACT same problem trying to do my contract work from home! In fact, I am still working on a project that I started right before Parker was born (so, 19 - 20 months ago). Honestly, it probably should have been done a year ago. The only real difference is that this is something I'm comfortable with...it's just been really difficult to make myself work! For the last month or so I've been working hard on it after a long, long break (not all of which was my fault, I guess - the guy I'm working with has caused some delays, too). It actually feels great to finally make significant progress and know that I will finish it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do...and don't beat yourself up too much!
Mandy
Ellen,
First of all you do not "suck"!!!! Second of all, it sounds as if your employer was not entirely honest with you when presenting this grant writing opportunity! I think it is perfectly reasonable for your to go back to them and explain your points... GOOD LUCK - let me know if you need anyone to talk to, I would be happy to listen :)
I concur. Anyone who can't design their own experiments/data collection, or outline the justification for their proposed research, should not be the recipient of federal money. It's funny how many academics and doctor's don't get it. Tell them they need to provide an outline and you will fill in the text. It does not work otherwise.
Depending on someone else to come up with your ideas for you should not be rewarded with funds.
My two cents,
Craig
Oh, to continue my thoughts from earlier, I would NEVER, EVER have been able to resume my project and think about completing it if it was half as difficult/impossible as what you've been asked to do! Totally unrealistic of them to expect you to be able to pull this off and, agreeing with Craig and Laura, completely not your problem. If they don't know what to research or how to design their own study, they shouldn't even submit a grant proposal, let alone receive funding. Total waste of eveyone's time.
Now, back to procrastinating...
Mandy
Thanks, Mandy and Laura (and Craig too).
Mandy, it's so nice to read that someone else has problems getting stuff done at home. I swear I used to be so much more productive. Being unfamiliar with the subject area is certainly a BIG part of the problem, but being disciplined about working is also a problem.
I just spent the last 2.5 hours re-reading the old grant (and some of the papers). I think I'm ready to contact the PI to find some way forward (or just quit the job altogether). The money would be really nice, but we aren't starving here.
More than anything I wish I hadn't procrastinated for this long; I signed the contract right before Christmas. I think it's part of my childhood need to be perfect, to never make mistakes. I'm clearly so far from perfect in this situation. Old habits die hard!
Ellen - I am the worst work at home person! Every day I get up for work and think if only I could work from home! Every once in awhile it is fine but I get distracted and if given too much time I can't get anything done! I can get more done in 30 minutes than 3 hours! And all of this is really true when you really don't want to do what you are supposed to do. Make sure you are happy - that is the most important thing at the end of the day. Hang in there!
S
Thanks, Sarah.
I sent the dreaded email on Monday night. Craig read it. He thought it was good, professional, and honest. It was hard to write, but it was a relief to send. I still haven't heard anything from the PI, and I'm trying hard not to misinterpret his lack of response. Perhaps he's on vacation. Who knows.
Overall it hasn't been the greatest week for me. I've had a lot of other anxiety inducing issues at play. Trying to remember to chill and that "this too shall pass."
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