In Small Things

For a variety of reasons, some obvious and others not, I haven't been the happiest person on the block lately. My state of mind has been readily apparent to those closest to me, but for the rest, I've been working like hell to put on a happy face. I answer the question "How are you doing?" with "good!" or at a minimum "fine" when really, truthfully, the reply should be "okay" or "not great".

I struggle with happiness under the best of circumstances, and this, for me, is not the best of circumstances. It's in my nature to pay enormous attention to anything negative or difficult. My mind constructs lists of all the bad, so I can start each day off on the wrong foot, like:

1. My mom has breast cancer
2. A homeless squatter took up residence two houses down
3. Grace's new teacher isn't the one we wanted
4. There's a guy who pees on our car when it's parked in front of our house
5. I'm never going to be in shape

Why do I do this? The answer to that question is uncomfortable at best. When I step back, I can see that I get something out of being negative. I'm comfortable being a martyr. I know how to do unhappiness--I've made it my life work.

And that, my friends, is not a great way to be. I don't want to live my life under a shadow. I don't want to find comfort in pessimism. Though unhappiness is a familiar state for me, I can do better. Years ago, when I saw my first therapist, she encouraged me not to seek happiness, but to strive for contentment. Ten years later, this is still good advice--advice I need to follow.

The internet is a strange and scary place, but there are also bright spots. A few months ago, I read about about a project called Grace in Small Things or, for short, GIST. GIST is a call for bloggers (and non-bloggers too) to integrate a practice of gratitude into their lives. We can do this by noting the small graces which occur each and every day. There's a social network to support Grace in Small Things, and though I haven't joined the network, I'm going to accept the challenge. If I can make a list of negatives each day, I'm also capable of doing the opposite.

So with gratitude, here's my first list (of 365):

1. Fresh coffee in the morning
2. Julia's curls
3. Cherry tomatoes from the garden that burst in my mouth
4. A morning of rain
5. Pictures of my grandmother when she was a baby